The day full of sadness.

Today,
I supposed to be happier than yesterday
because I'm alive.
I supposed to feel that I'm the lucky one
who has a sweet family that I can't live without.
I supposed that mom and dad ain't happy
about the 4-day camp
that is far far away from here.
A couple days left,
the camp I'm going.
I've gone many camps before
that even further than this camp.
"Don't you ever go to any camp again,
after this camp.
I won't allow you to go anywhere else or any camping activities."
I nodded under the compromise.
I knew it may affect my study
I'm off 'cause of camp for about a week.
I may lost every lessons
next week.
I knew.
Only wanna get the certificate,
it's the last camp I have to go.
The last time. 
Never and ever,
again.
I don't know
that I've made 'em worry.
So worry about me.
I ain't blame 'em.
but I blame myself.
Maybe it's too early
to leave 'em.
just to explore
just to gain knowledge
that's all I want from this camp.

And today,

I supposed to wash away the past that I've undergone through
that made me lived in dizziness, panic, loneliness,...
dizziness of trying to blame myself.
about how ugly I am
about how disgusting I am
about how stupid I am
about how damn I am
that I think
I am a slut.
I am a asshole.
I am a fat bitch.
I am an idiot.
I am a dick-head.
And I think a slut like me,
shouldn't exist in the world.
I ain't going to commit suicide.

I ain't figure it out
what the hell
that made me think of something like these.
Now,
the only thing in my mind is,
lonely.
I am all alone.
Mom and dad only want the best for me.

they only think that money will make all of us happy
and Of course it will.
As you know,
I am the only daughter.
Alone stays aside of me since the day I was born.
I want to find my own.
everything of my own.
Change,
I want to change.
Any changes I want to have,
may be impossible
for mom and dad.
they don't like it.
how can I?

I wondered how those fat pretty girls
have boyfriend...
dammit.
'If happy ever after did exist,
I wish still be holding you like this...."
just fuck that
All those fairy tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick.

Maybe I'm too stupid in love
everything about love.
I did help people settle down love things
What about myself???
never.
ha
ha
I won't probably fall in love with anyone else in this age.
because none of 'em suits me
you can say that
I'm stubborn.
because I'm
so just deal with it.

watched twilight
breaking dawn part I
imagined again
I want to the vampire
I can't
it's too much
I'm drowning
waiting for part II

I'm addicted,
to vampire drug.

[Libby's drowning.]