The day full of sadness.

Today,
I supposed to be happier than yesterday
because I'm alive.
I supposed to feel that I'm the lucky one
who has a sweet family that I can't live without.
I supposed that mom and dad ain't happy
about the 4-day camp
that is far far away from here.
A couple days left,
the camp I'm going.
I've gone many camps before
that even further than this camp.
"Don't you ever go to any camp again,
after this camp.
I won't allow you to go anywhere else or any camping activities."
I nodded under the compromise.
I knew it may affect my study
I'm off 'cause of camp for about a week.
I may lost every lessons
next week.
I knew.
Only wanna get the certificate,
it's the last camp I have to go.
The last time. 
Never and ever,
again.
I don't know
that I've made 'em worry.
So worry about me.
I ain't blame 'em.
but I blame myself.
Maybe it's too early
to leave 'em.
just to explore
just to gain knowledge
that's all I want from this camp.

And today,

I supposed to wash away the past that I've undergone through
that made me lived in dizziness, panic, loneliness,...
dizziness of trying to blame myself.
about how ugly I am
about how disgusting I am
about how stupid I am
about how damn I am
that I think
I am a slut.
I am a asshole.
I am a fat bitch.
I am an idiot.
I am a dick-head.
And I think a slut like me,
shouldn't exist in the world.
I ain't going to commit suicide.

I ain't figure it out
what the hell
that made me think of something like these.
Now,
the only thing in my mind is,
lonely.
I am all alone.
Mom and dad only want the best for me.

they only think that money will make all of us happy
and Of course it will.
As you know,
I am the only daughter.
Alone stays aside of me since the day I was born.
I want to find my own.
everything of my own.
Change,
I want to change.
Any changes I want to have,
may be impossible
for mom and dad.
they don't like it.
how can I?

I wondered how those fat pretty girls
have boyfriend...
dammit.
'If happy ever after did exist,
I wish still be holding you like this...."
just fuck that
All those fairy tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick.

Maybe I'm too stupid in love
everything about love.
I did help people settle down love things
What about myself???
never.
ha
ha
I won't probably fall in love with anyone else in this age.
because none of 'em suits me
you can say that
I'm stubborn.
because I'm
so just deal with it.

watched twilight
breaking dawn part I
imagined again
I want to the vampire
I can't
it's too much
I'm drowning
waiting for part II

I'm addicted,
to vampire drug.

[Libby's drowning.]

Libby's Lullaby

boo! i'm getting busy recently. I need to prepare everything all over again for the second time of our science show. Today, I was either lucky or unlucky to say that I was saved by God because the sky started drizzling when I was preparing the stuff that needed for the science show early in the morning, around 7 o'clock. I looked up into the sky and i knew it will rain [ha ha, that song's by Bruno Mars ,i know] I asked some boys to carry the table up to the stage and stared at the sky. I thought maybe it was my fate.It's like God won't allow me to represent the science show on the stage.So fine. I kinda happy but neither. I felt it was totally embarrassing. My face shown happy because I didn't even have to represent it but behind the scene, i was like (=.=) . I walked down  to the backstage. Carried my bag and books, walked toward the counseling room.
And before I went back to my class, I went to find my co-curriculum teacher about our program on tomorrow. This program is like a camp. I don't know what's that program for but what I only know is that I've been a year didn't take part in any camp. I like those program. Go further away from where I am. Explore even more tho it's only in Malaysia. At least I can go to the place where I haven't been before. If I have a chance, I'll travel all over the whole with my future family especially my parents.I've made a vow that I'll bring them together with me. Wherever I go to have fun, they deserve that too. Now, I think it's not the time. It's a school program. Not self-organized program. From tomorrow on 'til 22th June 2012. I know it's quite exhausting but I think it maybe either fun or boring. Location @ D'Village Resort, Ayer Keroh, Malacca.
So, about packing personal things for this program. I don't even think about it yet because I'm 'downloading' my memories and diary here. Maybe later I better pack 'em up after finishing this.
Other than this, I just received another request for another camp for the following weeks. This program is about patriotic of Malaysia, i think so. It's from 1st July 'til 4th July 2012.Location @ Pendang Kadah.Each state in Malaysia with 19 participants were chosen for this program.It just the week after next week. One of my friend was chosen but then she couldn't attend. So counselor asked some of us whether we interested in it or not. I just looked at them, and suddenly teacher asked those who couldn't attend for that program can reject it. So only three of us, including Foo. I said:" If you want I can give it to you" I ended up with a smile. They looked each other.I was absolutely sure that my mom and dad's gonna let me go.I can let 'em take this chance. This opportunity is rarely been given to our school. The certificate for this program is pretty important even tho it's merely a laminated paper. They answered:" I have to get my mom's permission first." However, teacher gave me the blank form and needed to filled in, and hand it up on tomorrow. I felt like I've two fun sides that I needed to clear up and another side is my worries about my studies. I know I shouldn't be the one who is worrying about the studies.
Just face it. May that bad be that bad. Just deal with it. May the best be more than the best!
{Libby wants to sing a lullaby on the top of her voice,feel it from deep inside and see it from the bottom of your heart.}