something needs to be prepared

Sorry for inconvenience I've made.
 I know that I've been like a month
 left my blogger behind
 my Internet connection kinda suck recently.
 Luckily God gave me a chance today
to be online in Facebook as well as my Twitter.

I didn't upload any of my birthday pics
I have no time to spend on that.

Besides,
exams' around the corner.
I need a long time to do revision
tho I knew I'm not very good in my jotting-down-notes things
but as long as I try
and I'm willing to try
After a couple weeks gone
my pee will burst out without doing any revision.
damn true.
I decided to be a hardworking-girl-at home
instead a lazy-girl-in the school.
I rather stay home than chatting with my friends
talking non-sense in the school.
I rather have time with my family while studying
than in school
I know I'm wicked and nasty.
but I'm telling the truth.
whenever I see my friends,
I can't stop laughing and chatting with them.
this is the facts and the obstacles.
 So maybe I shall stop here by now.
homework make me stressed.
and revision make me eyesore & headache.
damn that's right.
However,
I manage to get a better result than the past one.
Even with a little improvement
It will make me proud enough.

Happy

JUST BECAUSE YOU FAIL ONCE,if doesn't mean you're going to fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself because if you don't, then who will? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling because life's a beautiful thing, and there's so much to laugh about. 

by Marilyn Mornoe

I felt different today.
I got up from my bed
had my breakfast in front of my computer.
started to play games like usual.
I planned that I had to stop playing by 10a.m.
just to help my mom do some chores.
again yeah.
then
my dad came home awhile
This time
he didn't say anything about where he put the lunch for me
he did and took something
put on the small table
and locked the door, left.
no sound.
With just one view looked at my dad
his cold and angry eyes stared for a sec
and looked away.
I thought I did something wrong
Damnn.
ok
I looked up the clock
12.30p.m.!!1 time out!
I gotta do chores.
I shut down my p.c
swept the floor.
mopped the floor
cleaned the kitchen.
arranged everything at the kitchen.
I hoped that my work done could make my mom happy
because
last night
after attending the IU night
[yes, i attended the Iu night rather than tuition
because I'm lazy.
tho, I enjoyed the IU night organized by other school
Theme: Japan
since then, I have to think for my IU night held at my school]
I wondered where's mom
that she said she wanna go to night market.
dad said her bad temper anger came up again.
So shut my mouth up
reached my house
the mouth battle began.
the winner only for mom
because dad had no mood listen to her.
In such case,
I hoped what I did for today make her happy a little bit.

3.30p.m.
they come home.
I'm typing diary here...
as I'm typing in the beginning,
I saw her kinda happy.
she dropped the fruits suddenly
said:" ohhh!!"
sounded happily accidentally dropped the fruits.
My heart comes back peacefully and solace
She takes stuff back to the kitchen
And asked:" Am I entered the wrong house?"
" you did this?"
"of course, who else?"
as you know I'm the only one at home throughout the day.
" As a reward, finish these dumplings. I just cooked it at the restaurant."
Dammit
there's 20++ inside the plastic bag.
while eating,
i'm typing my diary here!
so kinda happy whenever I saw my mom dad are peacefully sleeping
in the afternoon
no battle
no arguing.

So yesterday
I played a game
which was totally attracted my heart into it
COVERT FRONT
first, second, third & fourth
I played four of them
So much fun!
mystery,adventure,puzzle.
I was so impressed by the author of the game
so cool
the best game EVER!

Busy saturday/

Again,

it's morning.

early in the morning.

that one thing wakes me up

which is today I have to attend 

an event called:" International Understanding Night"

at 4.30p.m. til' 7.00p.m. this evening.

and this event had bothered me so much

whether I have to attend this event

or go to account tuition.

4.30p.m. til' 6.30p.m.

both are important to me. 

How can I make a decision?

like last Thursday 

I fell off 

while walking downstairs and think at the same time?

With all the sudden

my left knee bend and knocked on the floor.

what's left.

my hand on the floor.

trying to adjust my knee back again

and stand up quickly.

Luckily,

no one noticed it except my friend.

Will it be that lucky as the circumstances now.

which this two sides make me going outta my mind?

Dammit. 

I should have know yesterday 

that I shouldn't promise account teacher I'm free 4.30p.m. today.

I'm not I'm not.

how.

phone call?

no more credits~?! 

one hope: 

waiting for my mom to call.

then I'll be able to ask her to buy me credits.

now my phone is next to me.

the shade screen I'm looking at

is not what I look for

"accept" this word is what I look for

it remind me.

how the most I need my mom and dad 

when I'm in need

how stupid I am to feel like wanna reject their call 

when they wanna care about me

where am I

what I'm doing

while I'm at the tuition

while I'm at some events

how can I regret it when it's too late?

now all I need is the call from my mom.

and where should I go this evening.

tuition? or the event?

I went to my desk 

I saw the story title:" don't hope! decide!"

it makes me fall in my own trap.

I'm dumb

and now I have to prepare the next test in October

and the test I'm going to face later in my Chemistry tuition.

shit.

   

I wanna feel like this

the moment I'm looking at the ocean. 

and think. will tomorrow be better?

at night.

I wanna stare at the moon with the cloud passing through

eye-opened dreaming about the wonderland.

it will be nice.

couldn't i?

waiting.....

That's new about life.

Today,
I supposed that I shouldn't get up from my warm bed,
to continue sleeping,
to continue have a dream tho it's a nightmare.
my body's laziness led me to get up late more then five minutes.
without even notice that my phone
had been put in the living room last night.
So, purposely.
My alarm on the phone had rang for a few times.
Dammit.
Probably there's nobody else care about it.
So, bring it on.
Then I washed my face,
brushed my teeth,
put on my school uniform,
thought it'll be a good day.
Waiting for my dad to get me.
He rushed in the house,
brought home something with a plastic on it
which I hadn't have time to take a peek.
I, who had waited impatiently for five minutes ago
walked through the door gate,
sat in the car,
looked for dad's appearance next to me
early in the morning
which by the way was about 6.55 am
a step took by him was pretty heavy
because he's kinda rushing something.
" Have you eaten?"
"whaah? no"
" the pepper hot dogs is on the table."
"whaah? oh i don't know."
yeah well, my head was slow a bit this morning,
answering with whaaah~
so
Got out from the car again,
meanwhile,
my hungry stomach was waiting for me to feed it.
Two bowls was covered up each other
to 'protect' the hot dogs from 'polluting' by the flies.
Obviously,
my mom did it.
Always.
to protect food.
But she always forget to bring it out to the stall
for my breakfast.
So let's face it.
She put in like
high up in the mountain with a tall Tupperware
but failed,
my eyes didn't catch up real fast this morning.
Maybe I was eye-opened sleeping.
I grab the bread and put the hot dog in it.
Started to chew it
forced it to swallow through my trachea,
that's pretty hurt.
i thought.
Because I hadn't have a drink
I admitted something,
the hot dog was real big
wide like a big coin.
imagine that if a 3 cm height and a big-coin wide hot dog
was forced to swallow through my trachea
I'm gonna die
But no, I did but I haven't die yet.
forget it.
My dad drove , I ate next to him.
He just put the bowl and the bread on it in front of his wheel.
Fine, i understood he was rushing for something.
I knew I'm going to be late in school.
I didn't care about that
because today was the last school day for those Muslim students
They had their New Year Days >Hari Raya Aidilfitri<
It's time for non-Muslim students to take a week-holidays break
which probably no use for me to take a break
because I have more than one thing to finish it
The folios, Account, and Moral
So, I stepped in the restaurant
which my dad had rent a small area there
run a business.> food<
My classmates and friends all there
eating noodles which was made my mom.
I walked to school then with my friends
which then I realized I wasn't the one who late.
In fact, if I did, I'm not the only one be late in school.
I would walk through the door gate proudly
Because I'm also the one who present today
which by the way there's many of them absent and
I have no idea why did i go to school today.
one word-BORED
after the assembly,
we were announced that we should go to the Chinese society room
after recess
to play indoor games.
I knew all the indoor games are all the same things as I played last year
But I enjoyed it pretty well.
So there's about 3 hours,
I was doing my Account folio
counting the numbers like counting the times to pass

During recess, I bought foods, two and a half bucks
but then I realized
there's free food because of their New Year is around the corner.
They cooked the porridge.
I took one, sat down and started to taste it.
I didn't smell it
Instead I swallowed it with a weird face
What on earth the porridge had a weird taste?
It's a sliced chicken porridge.
But the taste was not so good.
It's like ..... I don't know how to bring to word
but .... it's weird. after all.

The bell rang,
I took my bag
walked toward the room.
waiting to be served 'games'
I played with two friends, monopoly.
It's childish game and I never put away the childish things tho I had to
But the childhood was never ever been put away all by itself
because it had perpetuated in my memory. Forever.
2 hours playing.
time to go back.
I walked to my mom's stall
to had lunch.
again
I wanted to go back home
tired but well,
i spent time on playing phone's game.
Then,
i had to face the unlucky stupid idiot
whore asshore bitch fucking people I have ever seen.
The person who worked in the restaurant.
She always get annoyed.
Besides, she's a widower
no one wants her anymore.
Just get frustrated with her.

don't talk about her.
dammit.

-the end-

of the current diary

tomorrow no school! and friday no school! 

but I have tuition. 

lame.

it's still me

I thought I'm busy because of the exam on next Tuesday.

Actually, I'm not.

'cause of the Installation dinner night in a hotel.

As a Vice Club Service Director from August 2011

I gotta give some services

and now

I'm chosen as a International Understanding Director of 2012- 2013

as a part of the Interact club of my school.

Suggest ideas, help, do the job, communicate.

That's all the common things as  a I.U Director. 

In the Friday night, 

Installation Dinner Night,

I'm the host with one of my friend.

gonna arrange and plan the schedule of the day.

No mistaken to be happened.

No wrong steps to be taken.

Last Saturday,

Like posted in my blog,

the other school had held their own Installation dinner night 

And

I want it better than theirs

I knew they're rich.

wore like a bride.

catwalk everywhere

But at least 

We want it better than theirs 

their schedule

their program

their talk

everything

tho we're not rich enough like them.

What I was worried about is 

the outfits.

that I'm gonna wear as a host in this Friday night.

they asked me to wear dress and high heels.

I'm doubt that 

I never wear dress since i was 7 years old.

except the school uniform.

That's my problem.

............

mom said she gonna take me to outfits shop 

to buy dress and shoes

i meant high heels.

I said it's not necessary 

but of course 

I have to attend one more wedding dinner night in September.

Technically,

a dinner night must have some performances 

to entertain guests.

I asked one of my friend to sing on the stage.

So she did agree if I too, sing along with her 

but with different songs

She will sings Chinese song

And I gonna sing English song.

I said my song is kinda sad.

So she have to sing with joy.

I asked her to sing with the new president of year 2013.

Why not?

other than that,

my classmates also perform their dance.

My song: nothing......

[verse 1]

Am I better off dead

Am I better off a quitter

They say I'm better off now

Than i ever was with him

As they take me to my local down the street

I'm smiling but I'm dying trying not to drag my feet.

They say a few drinks will help me to forget him

But after one too many I know that I'll never 

Only they can't see where this is gonna end

They all think I'm crazy but to me it's perfect sense

[Chorus]

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down

'cause I'm shouting your name all over town

I'm swearing if I go there now

I can change his mind turn it all around

I know that'm drunk but I'll say a word

And he'll listen this time even though they're slurred

So I dialed his number and confessed to him

I'm still in love but all i heard was nothing

[verse 2]

So I stumble there, along the railings and the fences

I know if we're face to face, then he'll come to his senses

Every drunk step i take leads me to his door

if he sees how much I'm hurting, he'll take me back for sure

[chorus]

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down

'cause I'm shouting your name all over town

I'm swearing if I go there now

I can change his mind turn it all around

I know that I'm drunk but I'll say a word

And he'll listen this time even though they're slurred

So I dialed his number and confessed to him

I'm still in love but all I heard was nothing

He said nothing

oh, I wanted a word but all I heard was nothing

oh I got nothing

ohh i got nothing

I wanted a word but all i heard was nothing

Ohh, sometimes love's intoxicating

Oh, you're coming down, your hands are shaking,

when you realize there's no one waiting.

[chorus] repeat once.

I got nothing x 3

I hope I'll make it 

[Libby's hoping] tho

Father

" I just lit a cigarette and I'll talk a little about myself, about what I spent on the people I loved most, the disappointments, joys and unforgettable of the few who have already spent. When I was only 2 years old, my father split up and I went to live with my mother and my mother promised my father that I would never be like him and would do anything to get away from it. I was little, knew nothing of what was happening and increasingly I was farthest from my father he barely knew and talked about things so much that I ended up believing it, but you know, if I saw him once a month and spent one day with him was too much. But those moments spent with him today I see that were so sincere, that time I was four years, it was preferred to go out and get an ice cream with my mother, or win the gifts she gave me, you idiot! I grew up, got seven years and I felt strong enough to face everyone and had an audience, I arrived at the forum with my mother dropped her and ran to hug my father, when interviewed said the psychologist convinced me that he wanted to live with my father and everything that my mother had to get away from him when I got home, and I can still remember my grandfather on his mother's locked me in the back room of the waiver and said that if I did not change his attitude and wanted to live with my mother, he would hit me, would do horrible things to me and my father, I was locked up there until the morning alone, and I felt like crap, I wept and trembled with fear, until the time I called my dad at 4 o'clock in the morning talking he no longer wanted to live with him, loved him more than he asked for help and in the end they had left me locked up, took the phone from my hand and hung up, I had no more strength to do anything. My father on the other hand, today I wonder what was the size of his desperation, he tried to go there, call the police, but could do nothing. And what happened this episode was just one of over 100 different and much worse things that have happened. And even saying that I wanted to live with my father for the psychologist, once again the judge decided that I would continue living with my mother. But do not stop fighting. And even with everything that happened that were to separate me from my father never could, perhaps, was a bond that we had not only father and son, but best friends. My father was always my hero, my refuge, that I knew I could count on when everything was finished, I knew he would be there with me. I remember to this day that he went every day in my leisure hours at school, so I could look frestinha the gate, and pass me a bag of honey cakes, which I loved. Because when my mother threatened to exit the school intercom that if he let him speak to my father, would make him be dismissed because she was a friend of the director. I do not know about it without getting emotional, is, I'm crying, how difficult it is to remember that this time I'll continue writing, I will not stop here. I remember all the times that came from afar where he lived at the gate of the house of my 8 o'clock, the time that my mother had not come from work, just to say "Son, I love you, never forget it" and make a delicious pie that sold the portion Magica. And the ANC and the new year, that all his family traveled, and he stayed home alone, just for when you arrive the night trying to go in the gate of my mother's house to give me and my cousins ​​Merry Christmas with my mother forbid me to I go talk to him, it did not happen once, it was more than eight Christmases he spent alone, just to try to talk to me, just trying to give me a kiss and could have been very few times. It was getting my 10 years of age and I was afraid of my mother, and I loved her even with everything she did. I already understood a little of what happened. He had another audience, and I thought this time I'll be stronger, and I'll do, you'll end up with all these problems, I want to see who will put me afraid. Then one day before the hearing my mother came to me, apologized, cried, said he would let me see my father, it all she did was for my good, and that if I did not say he wanted to live with her need not ever talk to her she would be very upset. As I got confused with all that my mother did, I was so afraid of losing her, and I knew if I said I wanted to live with it for my father, he would not be upset with me, nor hurt, because I trusted it, and above all, I always knew he would never give up on me, and that he wanted the baby, even if far or near it. Yeah, remember that and I feel an idiot for having spoken at the hearing that he wanted to live with my mother, were more than eight years of fighting in court and when I had the chance, I wasted. But know that nothing could separate my friendship with my father apologized to him, talked and everything was fine. He told me: - Son, you wanna try again? I do not know how, but we can enter another process, will only be time consuming. And I said - But I wasted the best chance we had. And he replied: - We must never give up our happiness, we're in this together. And then we continue the battle. Over two years have passed, I was coming to my 13 years, and I could not stand that hell every day with my mother, could not stand it. One day later, I rebelled, and said he would live with my father and that she would not stop me, I packed my backpack, I took the things I had and went to sleep, said that after the school was going to live with my father. I woke up, my everything was gone, nothing was in my backpack. I went to my mother's room and woke her angry and said, give me my bag now. And just so we discussed. She tried to scream, tried to hit me, tried to cry, tried to make an all, but I've had 10 years experience, was not so easy to convince me that way, and she was not stronger than me. I remember it was then that I realized that I was much stronger than I thought and I could handle it. I say strong not only physically, but was more experienced, knew the truth, I understood what was her game. She did not know what else to do, then said: If it is to live with his father, who never come back. Wow, I marked those words, remember that scene today, but I do not shot down, leave the house and slammed the door . I took a bus and called my dad crying, my father met me, I was desperate, I was so angry with her ​​that I felt strong as the Hulk. And he as always, the only one who could calm me down, he said: Son, it's okay, I'm here. And soon I was calming myself. Desdai two years I have lived here with my father and my mother never contacted me or my grandmother or my uncles, one of her family over to me. I believe that if she really cared, she would call me or I look for in the first months up fine, but two years, you know TWO years and she even called to ask how I was, or if I needed something. In the first six months, I felt really miss her, and mingled with all the problems of adolescent relationships, with all I had in mind, I got involved with drugs, started smoking, because the minute that I was smoking all disappeared and it was so good that I forgot everything. Came home and cut myself, I have hundreds of scars on the leg today, because I was afraid that my father or some friend of mine saw me and it is thought, or Seila, thought I was crazy or something. I'm used to it over time, and I stopped smoking, I stopped cutting. And as always I was ignoring my feelings, I was putting aside the things that I felt, and as always ... accepting.

this whole story that I passed, I did not write it to feel pity or judge me. My story is just one more, is not the worst story was not life more difficult in the world that I had, but I admit it was not easy. I wrote it all, just say one thing ... Life is not easy, life is not fair and there is no victory without struggle, there is no easy happiness. If you want something, you have to fight it, fight as if the world was ending, fight with all your strength, you have to rely on itself. Do not do things just to please others or to be the "bonzão" do things you think are good for you, you arrive at night, put his head on the pillow and think ... I gave the best I could from me today, tomorrow I'll be much better than that. "

I don't wanna be like that anymore

I expected that I'm happy
but the truth is,
I can't.
I pretended to be anything
whole my life
I guess i did
and the consequence is
I've been a social outcast
I want to be regarded as saccharine
but that's only an useless imagination.
IN reality,
I did all those as a sin.

I hide my tragedy behind my marrow bones
which is easily hurt
Enemies everywhere
I found myself can't fight anymore
the more I hide the sadness,
the more painful I am.
Especially my family.
the one who destroys my family relationship
the one who lives in our house like a dickhead
the one who will never get married
the one who always like a stubborn hippo
the one who makes his eyes look downward and nose up into the sky
the one who will never listen to his siblings especially his brother's advises
he's my second uncle.
no he'll not be my uncle anymore
I don't want either.
I want him to get out and stay away from my family

He wants us
when he's getting in trouble about HIS estate
He leaves us behind like a damn shit
when he gets profits from his estate
which we found out he'd been cheated.

The land is supposed to belong to my grandpa
my grandpa is a bullshit stupid that he GAVE 3 out of 4 of the land to someone who shouldn't owned that land.
He gave all the money to his friends rather than his family.
That's why his sons and daughters were not well-educated.
Grandma received 13 children from God.
4 sons and 9 daughters
Only my dad and the eldest uncle
who is death in the age of 20 something
went out of the village where they belonged to the big city
where they gained many useful experiences
and being cheated by their friends about the money
and the land.
My eldest uncle died because of that stupid second uncle
he asked my eldest uncle to come back home as soon as possible
as he's working hard in the big city.
On the way he came back,
he met a nasty accident and crushed down by a big lorry.

I know it's his destiny
But it shouldn't happen.
that's why shit happened.

And now my dad was in a big red head
angry about the bullshit second uncle
about the trouble he had made


Someone wanted to rent the estate
which had been built into a wide restaurant
signed three years contract
and made a deal with a 10 grands [deposit]
He was greedy for the money and agreed quickly.
Each month before 7th
they have to pay the rental
However
they ran the business well
for a few months.
Within a year
they failed to follow the rules and regulations
that they have to pay the rental
for each month
They failed to pay it for 4 months
which can gain more than 10 grands
The dickhead didn't even wanna let us know
and he didn't even wanna lodge the report
Until the problems got bigger
then he told us about it.
I would like to punch him
But I can't

4 months gone,
the problem settled down because of my parents helps.
The stupid him was like he's the one who solve these things.
He hung out and told his dog friends about these
that these problem were solved by his friends but not his brother
He made his brother like his friends

I want to punch him for more

After the problem solved,
my dad forced him to leave my house
to live in his own estate
and never come back.

yesterday
I attended a dinner which is called
Installation dinner
that was organized by other school
because I'm the Interact member
and my friends represented our school attended the dinner.
Dinner was not more than a normal dinner
but like a wedding dinner
some of them dressed more formal than a bride
they put on their makeup and blinked their eyes
with the mascara and thick eyelashes and lipstick or whatever
and their high heels
was boom
the dinner more than a wedding dinner
but there's no brides
it began from 5.30 p.m. and ended up 8.00p.m.
I wore like an auntie
light pink faded-strips, non-collar hang with many false pearls
and also a normal jeans.
When I reached there,
I felt like I didn't belong to there
because I was born in a poor family.
However, I walked in and sat underneath the air-con
which made me freeze after sometime with my friends, Foo.
My other friend, Ng held her birthday party at her house.
And some of us have been hesitated about whether we're going
or not.
So we decided to attend the party after the dinner.
At first,
Foo wanted me to send her home because she had no one get her home.
After we decided to go for the party,
she had to call for another person to get her.
Kinda sorry for her.

After the dinner,
I went to the party.
She was surprised.
She had been invited all of her friends to go for the party.
Sadly,
only a few of them confirmed.
Neither of us.
She was upset.
So, we wondered to give her a surprise with a gift.
tho not all of the students she'd been invited attending her party.

She was wealth and rich
She wore like in the dinner
A few feet taller than me than usual
like the people in the dinner

They're having a fun time together.
But me,
I felt like I didn't belong to there again
Therefore,
I phoned my parents to get me before arriving the party
by 9 o'clock.
They waited me outside the house
Like I was a bad girl
who didn't even notice that her parents' waiting for her outside
At the same time,
my friends were singing the Happy birthday song for her
which then I wasn't enough time to say good-bye to her.
So, i went off.

I thought back
kinda frustrated I didn't get that rich like them
dress like them.

My mom convinced me
but it's won't help
I don't wanna go there anymore
It made feel down.

[Libby's in blue]

The day full of sadness.

Today,
I supposed to be happier than yesterday
because I'm alive.
I supposed to feel that I'm the lucky one
who has a sweet family that I can't live without.
I supposed that mom and dad ain't happy
about the 4-day camp
that is far far away from here.
A couple days left,
the camp I'm going.
I've gone many camps before
that even further than this camp.
"Don't you ever go to any camp again,
after this camp.
I won't allow you to go anywhere else or any camping activities."
I nodded under the compromise.
I knew it may affect my study
I'm off 'cause of camp for about a week.
I may lost every lessons
next week.
I knew.
Only wanna get the certificate,
it's the last camp I have to go.
The last time. 
Never and ever,
again.
I don't know
that I've made 'em worry.
So worry about me.
I ain't blame 'em.
but I blame myself.
Maybe it's too early
to leave 'em.
just to explore
just to gain knowledge
that's all I want from this camp.

And today,

I supposed to wash away the past that I've undergone through
that made me lived in dizziness, panic, loneliness,...
dizziness of trying to blame myself.
about how ugly I am
about how disgusting I am
about how stupid I am
about how damn I am
that I think
I am a slut.
I am a asshole.
I am a fat bitch.
I am an idiot.
I am a dick-head.
And I think a slut like me,
shouldn't exist in the world.
I ain't going to commit suicide.

I ain't figure it out
what the hell
that made me think of something like these.
Now,
the only thing in my mind is,
lonely.
I am all alone.
Mom and dad only want the best for me.

they only think that money will make all of us happy
and Of course it will.
As you know,
I am the only daughter.
Alone stays aside of me since the day I was born.
I want to find my own.
everything of my own.
Change,
I want to change.
Any changes I want to have,
may be impossible
for mom and dad.
they don't like it.
how can I?

I wondered how those fat pretty girls
have boyfriend...
dammit.
'If happy ever after did exist,
I wish still be holding you like this...."
just fuck that
All those fairy tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick.

Maybe I'm too stupid in love
everything about love.
I did help people settle down love things
What about myself???
never.
ha
ha
I won't probably fall in love with anyone else in this age.
because none of 'em suits me
you can say that
I'm stubborn.
because I'm
so just deal with it.

watched twilight
breaking dawn part I
imagined again
I want to the vampire
I can't
it's too much
I'm drowning
waiting for part II

I'm addicted,
to vampire drug.

[Libby's drowning.]

well well well

   to
Random wishes
1)Just  well I'm  of those who can be very successful in their lives. Like they can do what they want and get they want.I always wondering what I'll become someday. What I wanna be. What I wanna achieve. What I wanna attain something so hard. Maybe that's the thing I can't get. Maybe my dreams can't come true. All my imaginations are fake and couldn't be the truth and it just some temporary lies.I knew that all these success can be obtain if you work hard. Tho I knew it. But I still ended up with a word: I can't be very quiet girl if you ask me to.haha



I'm not going to talk about what's happening today because it's the suckest day, ever.
so just keep this behavior: ENVIOUS on others.

ha ha . tomorrow I'm here again. Because I don't wanna go to school. no study, just wasting my time at school. Corporation Day, tomorrow. wtf I ain't gonna take part in it. They all selling foods, movies, something like that. And now imma gonna save my money for my future. If I go to school tomorrow, my pocket money will be completely empty. I was hoping to support my friends whom sell foods at the school tomorrow. But I can't come. I better stay home continue doing revision and doing homework. ONLINE HERE! Spend time with my family!!!

[Libby's still deciding what she wanna become in her future. That's still remains a question mark above her head whenever she's thinking about that. She's still hesitating her abilities,personalities,potential.... everything that's making her dizzy ,all the time.She's too ]

Libby's Lullaby

boo! i'm getting busy recently. I need to prepare everything all over again for the second time of our science show. Today, I was either lucky or unlucky to say that I was saved by God because the sky started drizzling when I was preparing the stuff that needed for the science show early in the morning, around 7 o'clock. I looked up into the sky and i knew it will rain [ha ha, that song's by Bruno Mars ,i know] I asked some boys to carry the table up to the stage and stared at the sky. I thought maybe it was my fate.It's like God won't allow me to represent the science show on the stage.So fine. I kinda happy but neither. I felt it was totally embarrassing. My face shown happy because I didn't even have to represent it but behind the scene, i was like (=.=) . I walked down  to the backstage. Carried my bag and books, walked toward the counseling room.
And before I went back to my class, I went to find my co-curriculum teacher about our program on tomorrow. This program is like a camp. I don't know what's that program for but what I only know is that I've been a year didn't take part in any camp. I like those program. Go further away from where I am. Explore even more tho it's only in Malaysia. At least I can go to the place where I haven't been before. If I have a chance, I'll travel all over the whole with my future family especially my parents.I've made a vow that I'll bring them together with me. Wherever I go to have fun, they deserve that too. Now, I think it's not the time. It's a school program. Not self-organized program. From tomorrow on 'til 22th June 2012. I know it's quite exhausting but I think it maybe either fun or boring. Location @ D'Village Resort, Ayer Keroh, Malacca.
So, about packing personal things for this program. I don't even think about it yet because I'm 'downloading' my memories and diary here. Maybe later I better pack 'em up after finishing this.
Other than this, I just received another request for another camp for the following weeks. This program is about patriotic of Malaysia, i think so. It's from 1st July 'til 4th July 2012.Location @ Pendang Kadah.Each state in Malaysia with 19 participants were chosen for this program.It just the week after next week. One of my friend was chosen but then she couldn't attend. So counselor asked some of us whether we interested in it or not. I just looked at them, and suddenly teacher asked those who couldn't attend for that program can reject it. So only three of us, including Foo. I said:" If you want I can give it to you" I ended up with a smile. They looked each other.I was absolutely sure that my mom and dad's gonna let me go.I can let 'em take this chance. This opportunity is rarely been given to our school. The certificate for this program is pretty important even tho it's merely a laminated paper. They answered:" I have to get my mom's permission first." However, teacher gave me the blank form and needed to filled in, and hand it up on tomorrow. I felt like I've two fun sides that I needed to clear up and another side is my worries about my studies. I know I shouldn't be the one who is worrying about the studies.
Just face it. May that bad be that bad. Just deal with it. May the best be more than the best!
{Libby wants to sing a lullaby on the top of her voice,feel it from deep inside and see it from the bottom of your heart.}

boo here again

I'm here again! what's up? n0thing much. Ar~ just talking to myself. ok today is Friday! but I don't have to be happy about it because It's not party night. I mean Today is not the day I wanna have some rest. There's another week I have to face exams. English, Physics,Biology,Chemistry,Chinese,Add.Math and Math. Damn suck I'm dying.............................. I just don't know how to face 'em all.Besides, I'm gonna fail anyway. No A+ what else A++ ~~~~~ I just lost it... I found myself act like a stupid girl. Answering the questions like kids and laugh around.Pay attention in the class?? Nah~ I'll never do that. I'm not such quiet and good girl you guys think. I'm naughty. like what? MONKEY!!! haha just kidding. Actually I'm not perfectly perfect because I know I'll never do. But at least I try it ...andda I think it's not enough. So anyway I hope I can get at least pass for my mid-year exam. I just wanna better than me of the last three months. It's kinda like be different? but not the whole different but the good different. I just lost it very much.
You know. sometimes I think I'm ugly and stupid dumb shit bull head clunk crabby something like these. Maybe that's stupid person's thoughts but I'm pretty much silly about that because I'm trying to have fun! Just kinda know and pretty unknown somethings. some sort like that.
So talking back about my exams.I'm going to DIE!
So. pray hard for me! God, bless me!!!! I'll be very great and thankful if I can answer all the questions!!!

Suffice to say, there ain't nothing left behind

M mm mm...Hmmm.Mhmhmmm
If You Can Take Away All My Love,what Do I Need You For?
You Can Take Away All These Words,there's No Meaning Anymore.
You Can Take Away Everything Leave Me Lying On The Floor,all Those Sorrys,we Can't Go Back To The Start.
You Can't Fix Me,i'm Torn Apart.
chorus
I Wanna Run Away From Love,this Time I Have Had Enough.
Every time I Feel Your Touch,i'm Broken.
Shattered All The Pieces Of Parts.
Never Thought I'd Fall So Hard.
I'm Putting Back Together My Heart,it's Broken. 
You Can Take These Photographs And Watch Them Fade Away.
You Can Through Away All These Letters,i Don't Care About What They Say.
All Those Sorrys,there's A Million Reasons Why You Can't Mend Me,don't Even Try.
Chorus
I Know It's Gonna Take Some Time,to Finally Realize.
I Got Nothing Left Inside,nothing To Hide,im Broken,broken,broken

Teacher asked me to join in choir once more, Since the pathetic circumstances I've undergone, I felt like I need more rest than anyone else. But anyway. I would like to thanks to my teachers who supported choral speaking team.And my best friend,Bakavathy Saravanan. She's awesome. So,I just learnt from it. Everyone is capable to win in one way or another. 

Today I'm not going to talk about the past. Just going to be happy and nervous. WHy?

BECAUSE  I haven't done some of my homework yet!!!! 

Ahaha! XD I'll finish it sooner and later. 

My friends used to ask me:" hmm,..Libby, why not you have some date with others? You feel lonely lately.I mean every time.Don't you want a person to make you feel more happy?" or "Hey,Libby. long time no chat. where's your boyfriend? don't ya tell me you haven't have a boyfriend yet. Aw, come on! find one by now! Why not?!" even my cousins in JB asked me the familiar questions.

I'm not telling ya that' I'm bored of all these question. Hey, look at me. I'm ugly.I'm not beautiful.I'm not that kind of materials you guys or that guy looking for. I don't have this qualification to have one. Because, I know, now is not the suitable time for me to search for one. Sometimes I feel happy albeit of being Single all the time. So I answered them:" Hey dude/ hey sweetie, I know it. but not now. I'll find it somehow someday. even tho you feel I'm lonely sometimes but I'm happy. Don't you see? everyday in the class, one of the loudest laughter is mine." Yeah I know. being single is the best. I feel 10% of envious/ jealous occasionally when I saw some couples past me by. But I'm fine somehow.

They asked:" don't you believe in fate?"     

"sometimes but yeah. don't ya?I think fate is pretty certain."

" But you're too into it. you need taaaa......"

" Hey,I'm just 16. the part of What I needed in my future life is study and money. Yeah yeah yeah I know when you wanna find the fate to love one.But now just let fate find me. I can reject it anytime I want but I'll accept it after I'm in society or in university or just blah blah blah"

read this book! I love it so much! It contained three love story which is my favorite so far.It's kinda dictionary actually. XD

After next-year lessons, means holidays, I......tryna ....... d.i.e.t haha it's funny. I become more fatter than more currently. XD XD XD I'm dying x.x 

I've recommended it before in my blog. But i still wanna tell ya . this is awesome! the fantastic fiction love story I've ever read! between two teenagers. OMG.

Damn I hate it. sad

so. this is it. we lost. yeah we lost in the competition. choral speaking. after we have tried and practice so hard. and some of them spoil it.damn it. and I cried. some of them didn't cry because they didn't understand the losers hate being losers. all these years, I've successfully brought back my victories to my school. And now they've spoiled it. I think they've no more chances given to them even tho the chances still there. They don't even know how to appreciate it, make it more precious.Just now we brought back some fools, ashamed things that made me cried. I'm done. this year.Maybe there's no more chance for next year. But i hope i can give it a try again. The Form 1 students.I really,absolutely hate them.I don't want them to spoil our performance after all the hard work my old friends have been undergone.But this time , they did. So. It's my new Boo-boo and poo-poo head. I wanna get use to it. and Sure, there're more competitions waiting for me. I've abreast my feelings. tryna control it. Ok. damn. now i'm happy. Because I've found the songs I've been looking for all these years!..

I told myself. stay positive.calm down, everything will be fine. good, that's my experiences. I hope I'll either learn from it or accept it.

I'm Mr.Saxobeats'ing!

Yippytiyeay!!!!!!!!!!!

Today's drama competition. So , Our school won the second place within six schools!!!! Eyah!I was so nervous and i don't know how to describe the situation before going up to the stage. I was so afraid that we couldn't win the second place. Besides,our school became the host this year. kInda happy even tho we didn't won the first place and obviously, the first place is always belong to TBSS.
I won't care about it right now.
Tomorrow. Singing competition.
and before that, gonna prepare for our choral speaking competition for thursday.


I'm fed up of everything.

I don't know how to face it....
I wanna scream as loud as I can.
I won't take part in any single competitions. Just because I wanna get more certificates and have fun with it.
SO I decided take part in blah blah blah.

Very tired, I know.

So, tomorrow I'm gonna sing  A thousand Years by Christina Perri
Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more


Good Luck ! Libby! 

competitions' week

Tomorrow ! this is it! ! tomorrow I've to perform drama! it's a competition which is my first time! omg how am I going to be nervous about it!? I just want to win no matter. All my efforts I don't either may or may not work out.It just... so hard. Imagine it. every week , every day we have to practice all over again and again.There's a school(TBSS) which I think we have to bet them and I know we can't, they're totally good in it. their efforts are really worth it. I don't know how to express it out. But every time my school's drama team practice, I can't feel their confidence inside them.Even tho They knew that TBSS is going to be a winner no matter what. But at least try hard this time.It's pretty hard to predict the situations tomorrow and how DAmn we are going to be. Today, the whole day we've practice. I just wanna make this drama to be perfect with everything. like with settings,background music which I rally used up my time to find it,action,voices. All these things I wanna make it perfect and wonderful.But just an obstacle makes me can't do it.There's a character: Child 1, he is a cute boy which is younger than me , of course . But tho he's cute, his voice so damn slow and dark. He always in serious manner.I don't know why. some scenes that he supposes to be sad, sorrow. He just like a wooden block. some scenes that he supposes to be happy and excited. He just like a wooden block. I know teacher tries to encourage them with :" OH you're good!" or blah blah blah. But I felt it's not enough.My spirits almost done at that time. But i think back, maybe I should relax myself and be positive about them.The problem is the voice and how am I going to be nervous if I see those outstanding students coming to our school perform and take away the trophies and certificates.And I'm going to be a loser go up to the stage, feel ashamed about it and quickly take away the useless-loser's certificate?!
God , pray hard there's nothing bad would happen tomorrow. I just want to win. This is my first time join Drama and it's my first time to be the main character of the drama.I want to show out my talents but not this kind of way.
Tuesday- Drama competition
Wednesday-Singing competition
Thursday-Choral Speaking competition
A couple weeks later- choir competition and Chinese Recitation
A month later- Mid-year Exam
A couples months later-English Online Grammar competition.

that's how busy I am.
Hope there's nothing unexpected situations happen
God Help me please. Bless :)

N/A

So this is it. My life. be serious about it.I don't know what to write about here. But I think I have not much time to push away all my reality in a damn shit fool society life.It seems hard to me. Indeed. All these 16 years I've been through. Maybe there's no one could understand my feelings. Some seems to judge me before they even get to know me. I've cried once but not twice.Fine then, I'm not that kind of girl who wanna judge them back with rude words.Because I know, all the time I'm just lie to myself. Once I just lost my self-esteem,confident,my aim and so many things else I couldn't get it in one time.  Ever think back what's really going on in my past.things I've gone through. Just regret. yeah. that's right.
try to run away ? HOW? Keep smiling everyday? pretending? forget about it? yeah i think it may be the ways to run away from it.. You know I don't date anyone since I was born. I have no boyfriend since I was born because I don't wanna have it. He hurts you,annoys you,rebels you ......... some sort like that. I know many of my friends even one who gets the outstanding result also has a BF. DAR~ I'm not that kind of girl~ keep complaining He hurts me, HE betrays me, He blah blah blah.  Guys~  I always answer them. if you just think LOve is hard and you just keep thinking that you're the one for him in the world,he can't run away from you, you can't handle it or whatever. PLEASE do not complain or spill the HOT "drink" on me because I only give advice and listen to your trouble. Not your Dustbin.  But I would advice you 
YOu may not understand what I'm talking about here but nvm. JUst deal with it.
Just think back about me.  When I was a little fat girl, i always told mum: I want to be a this~ . that~ . year by year I could change any ambition I like. And now I felt like I'm a girl who lost her aim and dreams. What to do? I did like to tell all my friends that they're beautiful.
  that's what I always say to them.I don't feel like I'm belong to here. *be calm I'm not going to commit suicide. Because I know if I'm gone someday no one notices me or I know I don't be to noticed. So just be COOL. I tell myself :
    haha. So just keep Laughing . smiling.
BTW I need to work hard to achieve a good result. I get frustrated with my recent result because it's pretty suck. I know. I know everything better than me.i know I know.
Stay Positive!

I always tell myself. Be strong. everything will be fine even though your dreams won't come true. At least you still can enjoy your life without disturbing by others. As LOng As I'm still alive.I don't need to grab attention from you. NO. You may find your treasure map for your future someday but you've to guide yourself to reach it.There's nothing perfect in this world as you know if the one is totally perfect,
So 
and enjoy FOOD!!!!!!!
 

  haha

hmm.... i know i'm busy lately

it's another day I have to be busy all the time. Last night, my English teacher asked me to participate in English Grammar District competition. So, i took the challenge the only three of us, a 17-year-old sister , me 16 years old and a 15-year-old boy. It's a sudden surprise for me after teacher told me about it. It's a online game which has 1600 question to be answered. whose the fastest and collect all the points will be the winner.Not just three of us, there has another schools also take part in it. First place is a grand, certificate and trophy. Second place is $750, certificate and trophy. Last which mean third place is $500 , certificate and also trophy. OK. that's pretty hard and it's my first time compete THROUGH ONLINE. so gonna face it.

NOw. today. right after I came out from school, dad told me that we gonna depart to Kulai,JB this afternoon at 4. So i just :    and I looked at him. How the heck I have time to package all the stuff I wanna bring !? it's a problem though. I was decided we go to JB on Sunday. but sadly my mom went to the train station and the ticket-seller said either today or next Tuesday. I don't be late to be there.But i don't wanna to earlier be there. B'COZ i haven't got enough sleep last night! At school i was wondering that right after I came back from school, i'll rest at home, play my pC and sleep.
fine just deal with it. God played me. i SURRENDER . God, deal .


well.while i'm typing here,my mom's managing all the stuff we gonna bring later on. so When I get into train . i'll be like:
  so haha. gonna pack all the things before we go.
  in the train

Btw.I'm gonna be back soon. i think not very soon.... haha. it's holiday. I can't leave my PC though. but i'll be back.

:)

buzzz .....buzzzz.....busy bee.....buzzz..

Oh My Heck. I'm so busy all these days! all these months! drama competition, choral speaking competition, choir competition..... examinations,holidays......... OMG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   > arh~ busy indeed<  but i need to take part in every competitions that will be held through out this year! if not, i've no more chance to participate right after next year because I've gotta big examination to be faced .  IN MY WHOLE LIFE!  so I've to hold on this chances.
oh i think i haven't answer the question I'd post last time. I've been chosen to study in 4 Science ,unfortunately.indeed. so it was kinda depressed,impressed,splendid,and......idk it's really busy life. everyday I've gone through makes me feel like 24 hours a day is not enough. sleep 8 hours/day , study 8 hours/day , three hours practices / day , two hours tuition / week. all above / month! i need to study more! i need to have more tuition! i need to practice every three competitions / week!
i don't know how to go through it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Family matters...... besides, I'm the monitor of the class! i need to take care of everything of 'em. organize every job for 'em. non-stop working . first i thought it's kinda good for me to diet. but i get fatter instead! oh dear..............
Choral speaking. obviously it's one of my favorite competition since i was 13. three years I've been taken part in . this is the last year I take part in it . next year I won't anymore. T.T yeah... it's pretty sad. but i hope rules and regulations will change next year..........
my teacher said I've a 'acting' voice. i thought I was going to be a conductor of this choral speaking group because my friend who had been a conductor last year said she wanna join in and have fun with this year's ''kids'' and the interesting scripts. So i let her be it. But my teacher was kinda disagree with it .. So she decided to push me into the group and pull her out to be the conductor of the group. Honestly,I don't have any experience about conducting people. So i'm ok with anything as long as they feel it's ok.

about drama, it's my first time. so I was kinda nervous. IT'S BEEN VERY CLEAR i WAS VERY NERvous.  i thought I was only going to be the side character. but my TEacher again asked me to be the main character.LISA. [ oh bitch the one who create the script , my name is Libby] the story was VERY,ABSOLUTELY,DEFINITELY. bORING.
choir. I love to sing. so indeed I'm joining in......

so i think that's all for this latest update. I've gotta do homeworkS  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Chinese New Year!

Hi! meet ya again! now this is the most important festival for me , ever. Because this is my tradition for being a Chinese. IF you're foreigner or don't know about what's Chinese New Year. O.M.g you gonna take a look at this post!this may help you getting know more about my culture!

So basically we've Chinese New Year Eve(22 Jan 2012) just like Christmas Eve which is the night before Chinese New Year.Early in the morning of the Chinese New Year Eve,we gonna have a big prayer before having a family-gathered-lunch.My mom and dad bought many ingredients for preparing the dishes. 

I was ordered to arrange these oranges. PRETTY,isn't?!

I purposely shoot the picture to show that the pineapple is one of the kind LOL 

* i forgot to take the dishes so I just took the photo of the moment we having lunch together after prayer.

so although our family members only three of us, not much dishes like in a rich family. just as much as we satisfy with it. no need to cook like in a restaurant. more important is our love and patient that we've gathered together.

After eating, I took the photos like:

I'm sorry you have to turn your head upside down but this is not a wine or brandy or whatever. it's only contained fruit sparkling . Until today I haven't open it yet :@

there's still more snacks we haven't finish yet!

so these two photos are one of our decorations in our home.actually it's pretty simple. just buy it and paste it that's all. last year I had to draw and design it all by myself.now no more! lol

OK that's for yesterday. today is the first day of CHinese New Year. We didn't go far actually. most of the time we just stay at home. nothing to do. my mom and dad just slept like pig and i just stare at my PC . I haven't FINISH YET !

let me tell ya. according to our tradition, obviously this year is Dragon. yeah Dragon with a long body and tail.

so for more, I'll post for further information tomorrow.

gooood night!